Grief, Grace, Gratitude: Words From A Mother’s Heart

By Kim Denison

It has been a long time since I wrote an actual letter, but my son Evan would expect nothing less. That is how he lived his life, with his words and connections to others. Below is a summary of a few of the many emotions I have encountered since 
Evan’s passing.

Grief

July 23, 2023, is the day I met grief in its rawest form. Honestly, I feel I can write an entire book on this subject, but for now, I will try to express in a couple paragraphs. Grief has not left my side since that day, the day Evan passed away. The reality for me as Evan’s mother and his biggest fan is that it has not gotten any better or subsided in any way. Simply put, I am learning to live alongside grief. We have learned to coexist, but I understand it will show up like an unexpected visitor at the most random of times and without any notice. You cannot fix grief, rush it, or get rid of it, it seems to me you can only accept it and carry it with you. I have learned to do that with the sole purpose to carry on Evan’s legacy. 

Losing Evan will be the deepest pain I have ever endured. How he died will always hurt, no notice, no goodbye, just a cold call from a Pennsylvania State Trooper telling me my eldest son Evan died at the scene, and my youngest son Connor was wounded and on his way to the trauma unit three hours away from me. That is the moment I met true grief.

Grief feels like you are living a double life, one where you pretend everything is okay just to function, and the other where your heart is silently screaming in pain while being completely shattered.

Our family has learned grief is a highly individual emotion. It does not follow a prescribed path or timeline, and there is no specific order or process. The experience of losing Evan has allowed me to be more vulnerable, express my feelings outwardly and connect with others, both friends and strangers, on a deeper level. I heard the saying once, “Loss is something we will all encounter if we are lucky enough.” It seems odd but true as it is the one emotion we can all relate to in our lives.  It is not a path I wish for anyone to endure, but it is the one I have been given and I will do my best to make Evan proud.

Grace

Grace for me is the gift we have been bestowed by each one of you, as well as many others that I do not even know. Whether it was the first few weeks when we were literally unable to breathe or leave the house, or the first few months where we remained numb to the outside world but tried our hardest just to show up. We were provided grace and compassion to just be, no definition of what we had to do or where we had to be and no expectations by those of you who tried to let us know you care and were thinking of 
our family.

Kindness, patience, and understanding showed up at our doorstep every single day by many of you, whether we were out in the community trying to function or home in our pajamas trying to breathe, you were there for us. Many of you did not know what to say or what to do and we honestly had no idea what we needed, but you provided a level of grace and compassion that we will forever be thankful for.

Gratitude

Gratitude is defined as the readiness to show appreciation for and return the kindness. Our family is truly grateful for all of you for the cards, letters, notes, emails, calls, texts, donations, flowers, plants, meals, thoughts, prayers, hugs, and heartfelt tears — just to name a few that come to mind. I am still trying to find my purpose amidst the pain, but I can state with certainty that I would not be here if it was not for all of you and the love and support our family felt daily.

Sadly, death reminds us all how to live. I am grateful for the 22 years I spent with Evan and the lessons he taught me and every person he interreacted with. I am grateful for all of you, our family, friends, neighbors, and community that showed up in any way they could. 

For those of you lucky enough to have met Evan or learned of his life through us, please go out into the world and share the love, light, and understanding he brought into the world. Evan’s famous signature greeting, “Pause, Breathe, and Smile,” sums up how he approached life and a kind reminder to us all.

We will continue to honor Evan’s legacy of music, leadership, and compassion for others. To learn more, scan the QR code ( left) or visit the Evan M. Denison Memorial Fund — Cavalier Marching Band. Please watch the memorial award video, as it truly speaks to his character and impact 
on others.

With love, Kim Denison